Meet the Weber Family
11.2010
Meet the Weber family. As you may have read on the home page, this family is heading back to Ethiopia for their third adoption. But what you may not know since that original story posted is that the Weber family is adopting not just one girl as they originally planned, but two children--a girl and a boy!
This family's willingness to trust in Jesus with all they have has inspired many in our adoption ministry and our church. From the first adoption of their daughter Hannah from foster care locally to the second adoption of their son Abrham from Ethiopia last year, the Weber family has always looked to their Father for guidance in the midst of facing great difficulties.
Here's hoping you enjoy their interview and journey as much I have.
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Why did you decide on an older child adoption?
When we were in Ethiopia, God started working on us again to adopt another older child! One of the things we were asked to do while we were there was to visit another orphanage. Ted didn't go because we had just gotten Abrham from the transition home. Hannah stayed back with the two of them. Judi went with our travel buddies that were also there to adopt. She had mixed feelings about going to see an orphanage...you know the "too sad" thing but went anyway.
You know what she found? There are LOTS of happy, warm, loving older children waiting. And you know what? When they are 12, they "age out." That means they can no longer stay in the orphanage, and they need to leave and go out into the street. OK, there were lots of kids close to that age! But it wasn't sad; it was a call to action.
We used to think, "we have an extra bedroom...what are we doing with it?" Now we no longer have one of those, but it still doesn't matter. Compared to the rest of the world, we have a lot. So we have started the process to do it again!
What were your fears when you began the process?
Money. Certain adoptions can cost a lot of money. We are so glad that didn't hold us back. You know the idea that "we would love to adopt but can't afford it." Instead if you just accept the fact that you are being called to adopt, God will provide. There are grants, tax credits, things and people that you can't even imagine that all make it affordable.
How long has your son been with you?
Abrham has been home with us since December 2009. We got home from Ethiopia one week before Christmas. A funny story...you can imagine relocating from Ethiopia to snow, and then one week later having Christmas with all the family and presents! So the following week he said at least 10 times in his limited English, "Mommy, Christmas today?" Have any of your fears come to pass?
Honestly we did have fears. And none of them have come to pass! If you are thinking about adopting, do not listen to the fears, because you will have them. Trust God.
What positive aspects have come out of this adoption that you did not necessarily expect?
It's all positive. Even the struggles, the hardships, the difficulties, they have made our family grow together and made our relationship with our Lord so much stronger and clearer. We have learned that:
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A Baby Scrapbook Brings the Unexpected
11.2010
I was so excited to pick up a scrapbook that Payton's biological aunt had made for her. At the time of Payton's adoption I had spoken with her; she shared with me that she had pictures of Payton when she was a baby, and they had some family history they wanted to give us.
When I got the news that the scrapbook was waiting for us at DHS, I was eager to see what they had included. I pulled a beautiful scrapbook out of a manila envelope and began perusing it's contents. A newborn picture of Payton adorned the first page, and the second. The second picture was on the scale, so I could see how much she weighed at birth. This was something many foster parents would never see. I slowly turned each page, in anticipation of what would come next.
There was a picture of her bio father and mother hugging each other with the words, "waiting expectantly" written across the opposing page. The unexpected tears began rolling down my cheeks. Another picture showed Payton's bio mom holding her when she was about five months old, before we had even met her. And yet another one taken during Payton's last visit with her bio mom. It was taken at a photo center, Payton is feigning a smile, and her bio mom looks happy. No family tree or history was included. The tears just wouldn't stop.
I had no idea these feelings would assail me. Feelings of relief, loss, guilt, fear, and disappointment flooded my heart. I was overwhelmed.
Some relief fell over me because Payton would have a newborn picture of herself. Up to this point all I had was a picture of her when she was placed in another foster home at six months. These pictures would help her deal with her adoption later in life.
I felt a sense of loss because I missed out on Payton's infancy; I wasn't the one holding her in the pictures. I felt guilty because I wasn't there for her, even though logic says I wasn't her mother at the time.
Fear had its dreadful grip on me. I worried that she would see the pictures of her bio mom and dad in the hospital and think that they were happy to have her. I feared she would think we had taken her away from another life. Disappointment set in when I realized that the scrapbook lacked the family history we were told about.
What was most shocking of all was that I wasn't expecting to feel any of this. Sure, I assumed some of these thoughts would come when Payton was older. The fear and disappointment were the more likely to arise, but definitely not until at least the pre-teen years.
Focusing on the fact that she now had pictures of her bio parents, coupled with pictures of her in the hospital helped some, but I was still aware of the fear building deep inside me. For a time it slipped my mind who I was supposed to be relying on, but when I did remember, I prayed and God reminded me that the future is out of my hands. What this child needs in the immediate is for me to love her with all I have. I tried to give my fears over to Him.
What helped most of all was the message Nate Ralston gave on October 16. In a section of his message he was talking about having a wayward child. Paraphrasing, he said that if you do, you need to just wait on the porch for them to come running home. My favorite part was when he said, "Is (your) God not the God of the prodigal son?" (The parable of the prodigal (lost) son is found in Luke 15:11-32.)
YES, He is my God too. He is also HER God, His promises are hers. Peace swept over me, and I was reminded once again that there may be trials in the future, maybe many. For now though, I am to love her with all I have. When the time comes God will lead me to share information with her about the life she had before she came to us. I have to trust that Jesus will hold her and keep her, as He has already proven He will.
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Does life change after the adoption of a foster child or older child?
8.2010
I thought that life was going to drastically change after the adoption of our daughter, who came to us through foster care. If you have read the short blog version of our story on this website, you are aware that life wasn't easy for this little girl. We had many struggles in our ascent from the depths of her former life.
I was wrong about life changing immediately after her adoption. What had happened to her was part of her life. Just as there are embedded memories in our hearts and brains, our children hold the same memories. They aren't erased quite as easily as we sometimes think.
Yes, children can bounce back from horrible situations. God has created us to come out of the rubble. But I am believing more and more that it is not without scars. For some, those scars go deep, and for others the scab can easily be scraped off with the flick of a finger.
My daughter has some scars. How deep they go, I'm not sure if we'll ever know. I am wondering if some of those scars come out in her strong will. A strong will can come out in any child, whether his or her situation while growing up warranted it or not.
However, I am convinced that part of my daughter's strong spirit exists because of the life that was thrust upon her in her first months after birth. She, like many children who are neglected, had to develop a sense of self-preservation. She had to survive, meaning she couldn't give up, or she might die. A very sad fact for too many children.
Her strong will is difficult to deal with at times. Okay, most of the time. I have to realize that this strong spirit she exudes will get her somewhere in life. I often tell myself, "She is going to be somebody," and "She is going to go far in this world and change things." I highly doubt that she will watch the world float by as she relaxes on her porch swing.
As many parents would agree, I have to rely on God to show me how to raise this strong and amazing girl. My husband and I can't do this by ourselves, as we would fail miserably. Or I should say, I would.
Here we are months after her adoption, dealing with some strange behaviors at times. But because she came out of foster care, I have to remember that she was in constant contact with her biological parents who had so severely disappointed her. At the time of her adoption these visits came to an end. It will take time for her to heal completely. Like everything else in my life, I want to hurry it along.
I have no doubt that she will continue to amaze us with her talent, kindness, and intelligence for the rest of her life. What that whole little girl looks like, I have yet to know, as she's only two years old.
All we can do is what we have been striving to do all along. That is to love her, pray for her and ourselves, and help bring out the best in her. The rest is up to her Heavenly Father, and He's pretty darn good at what He does.
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Another One?
Part two to conclude a series
5.2010
Spring has sprung! Personally I enjoyed the extended winter season, though I know most of you would be in complete disagreement. I also love spring-- the flowers, sitting on my wicker chair in the grass, letting my daughter run free in the fresh air.
But with the change of season comes those slithery sliders and many-legged little creatures that invade my yard, rearing their ugly antennas as summer approaches. You guessed it. I hate bugs.
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My best efforts to keep these pesky "friends" out of my yard always fall short. Maybe I can borrow some of the spiders my neighbor harbors to catch the irksome Earwigs that so often find their way to every nook and cranny my yard lends.
When we are preparing our homes for the arrival of an adopted child, we can find ourselves in a situation similar to the recent change of season. We will ready ourselves and our children for what's ahead. We will try to foresee problems and smooth rough spots before a large pool of issues arise.
In this preparation period, we can use the time to assess our homes (both literally and figuratively) and our children to ready them for the next season, one that includes a new sibling.
Your child can help prepare.
My friend Karen had her four-year-old son help choose clothing and toys for his new sister. This activity positively engaged her son in preparing for his new sibling by allowing him to act as mommy's helper.
Make big changes in advance.
If your child needs to move to a big bed or be potty trained before the new sibling comes, you may want to make those changes well ahead of the new arrival. These changes are stressful for children, so separating them from the event of a sibling's arrival remains a good idea.
Begin working on small changes, too. A friend's pediatrician once told her, "The best gift you can give a child is a sibling." With that said, the sibling's arrival doesn't have to be a complete shock. Work on such things as teaching your child to wait before getting his request, as he may be on hold quite a bit after your newest addition enters the picture.
Even before our foster son came into our family, we would tell our daughter Payton to "wait a minute." She now uses this phrase on her own. Payton says, "Snack?" I tell her, "Not yet." Payton replies, "Minute?" Does this tell you how much we use that idiom?
Don't forget what makes your child special.
Another friend Honey shared that after the arrival of her adopted infant son she spent time focused on her other children's special gifts and talents. Because the focus can often be centered on the newly adopted child, she and her husband made an extra effort to praise their other children in front of family, friends and strangers.
Try to spend quality one-on-one time with your child after the new sibling arrives. I try to spend focused time with Payton while our foster son is napping (that is, IF he naps). We play with play dough, swing outside or make funny faces with her Mrs. Potato Head. Anything we can do together that makes her laugh is her favorite.
She thrives on this special time with mommy and daddy. The house may be cluttered, but my husband reminds me that, "They will only be little for a time." He helps me remember where my priority should be right now.
Also, listen to what your child has to say about the new sibling. Let him vent his feelings.
And finally,
Bonus point--Take care of yourself.
No matter how much time you think you should have invested into preparing your children for a new sibling or how much time you are now spending caring for children, you must remember to take care of yourself.
Until next time, enjoy the abundance of fun offered during this season and have a Happy Spring!
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Another One?
Part one of a series
Adding another child to the mix can be wonderful. Exciting in many respects. But as reality sets in, parents often realize that their children may not think it's all so rosy when their family expands. So what do parents do to help ease the transition as their families grow? In our personal experience, we didn't have any time to prepare our daughter for her new sibling because we had less than an hour to explain things to her. Sometimes this can happen when parents decide to do foster-to-adopt.
In that hour we had before the arrival of our infant foster son, we did sit down with our 22-month-old child and explain to her that a baby was coming to our home. She knew all about babies and loved them, so we didn't see this being too big of an obstacle in the beginning. We knew she would be excited for the first day or so after his arrival.
To ease our daughter's transition, we had her help with the preparations as much as possible. Because she was so young, she was still thrilled at the fact that she was able to be a helper. We made everything surrounding her "helping" positive.
If she helped even when it wasn't needed (i.e. bringing us the pacifier in one hand while the blanket was dragging on the ground with the other), we still thanked her and praised her.
We were careful about being kind and calm when explaining that she needed to be gentle with the baby. Because we were foster parents and unsure of the length of the baby's stay, we didn't call him her brother; instead we called him her "friend" to protect her from fearing a brother or sister leaving in the future.
Because families who are adopting or fostering children all have unique experiences, it's difficult to know just the right way to prepare children already in the home for the arrival of a sibling. Here are some tips, based on insight from an Adoptive Families magazine article:
Find the right time to break the news.
Sometimes it's difficult for younger children to understand the long wait for a sibling. That's why telling them closer to the time of the adopted child's arrival may be beneficial. For older children, it's a good idea to tell them as soon as possible about a sibling. They may have questions and concerns that spark good conversations about how the family will change once the sibling arrives.
Help children understand the process.
Parents can show their children their adoption paperwork (as appropriate) and pictures of the child's birth country in cases of international adoption. If parents already have adopted children in the home, they can retell the children's adoption stories to them to help them understand why adoption is important.
Find fun ways to teach children about siblings.
Parents can seek out positive sibling relationships in television shows and movies, and then they can discuss those relationships in light of the arrival of a new sibling. When adopting interracially, parents can try to spend time with others who are of the same nationality as the child they are adopting or other families who may have already adopted a child of that nationality.
For me personally, I was nervous about bringing another child into our home. Since Payton was recently adopted and had gone through foster care for more than a year of her short life, I was worried about her. I wondered if she was going to spiral downward.
She hasn't as of yet, and we are certain she won't. Sure, she has had her moments of jealousy. Thankfully they are played out against us and not the baby. She adores him. She is learning that she is loved, but that she is also part of a family where everyone has needs. It has been good for her, and of course, there is a little guy who is benefiting from all the love that is shared.
Books
Big Sister, Little Sister by Leuyen Pham
(from the perspective of a little sister)
What the No-Good Baby Is Good For by Elise Broach
(big brother view)
I'm a Big Brother/I'm a Big Sister by Joanna Cole
(basics of becoming a big sister/brother)
Emma's Yucky Brother by Jean LIttle
(good for those adopting an older sibling)
Oh, Brother - Oh, Sister
A Sister's Guide to Getting Along
by Brooks Whitney
(chapter book recommended if adopting out of birth order)
All books listed above were recommended by Adoptive Families magazine.
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